I wish I could brag about how I resolve conflict with my wife. All of the interpersonal skills acquired through life experience, good mentoring, AND counseling classes, many times, go out the window when we are engaged in an intense debate that can have serious implications. It happened this week over how to appropriately discipline our special needs guy for not meeting an expectation. Thankfully for us, we’ve got some clarity moving forward should, or really when, this situation surfaces again. Getting to that clarified place, though, was pretty tough.
One of the areas where our son has some challenges is in organization. If you peered inside his book bag, looked in his desk at school, or glanced in his bedroom you might see that not only can he be a little “messy”, but his ability to give attention to detail has been a consistent struggle. I’ve found, in my interactions with parents of special needs kids, that there exists a two-fold challenge: a challenge for the kids, especially when they work hard to do better AND a challenge for the parents in trying to provide the right kind of support for the kids to be successful. Many parents work hard to help their children by setting up systems, creating routines, and communicating expectations. They do this with hopes that when the children are older and move beyond the home environment, they can recall the skills acquired in the family system and apply them in different environments. We are trying to prepare our kids for success beyond our own households. One critical question arises: at what point, and at what level do you subject your kids to the consequences of not meeting said expectations? For me, I want the consequences to be harsh enough to remember the next time an issue arises, but not so harsh that no learning takes place. As my wife (and any behavioral therapist) would say, “the punishment has to fit the crime”. Avery’s autism diagnosis can hinder his ability to be organized, and he sometimes interprets messages so literally that it can be a barrier to his success. So, when he came home without his homework folder – AGAIN – I was frustrated, but calm. I told him clearly that he would not go to karate because he forgot his homework folder at school. I might as well have told him that he would never eat macaroni and cheese (his favorite meal) again. He didn’t give me tantrum/fallout behavior, but he was clearly distressed. LaChan was curious why he had not left for karate yet when she arrived home. I told her that he forgot his homework folder. She adamantly…well, adamantly may not be the right word, but she was pretty convinced that I didn’t make the right decision. She adamantly communicated that the consequence did not fit the infraction. We disagreed…for the entire evening. Her perspective was that he forgot BECAUSE of his challenges, not because he was just randomly forgetful. Even through all of the discussion, she conceded. Reluctantly. I mean REALLY reluctantly. In fact, if you know the kind of women around whom my wife was raised, you would know that conceding is difficult for her. She’s been raised around women who have taught her to not just find her voice, but to use it consistently, confidently, and convincingly. It's one of the things that makes her behavior incredibly attractive...and equally frustrating (when its not directed at me!). Later on, she shared that she felt guilty because one of the reasons Avery may not have brought home his homework was because of instructions she gave him. You see, Avery’s fine motor skills are not entirely mature, and they may never be. He still has a really hard time tying his shoes even at 8 years old. Well, on many days his math homework comes out of a workbook with a quarter of the page missing because he has a hard time ripping those pages out cleanly. At an earlier point in the year, LaChan told him clearly: “When you have to bring home math worksheets, ask the student who sits next to you to help you rip them out”. Pretty clear, right? Well, on this day, when he forgot to bring his homework folder home – with only math homework that night to complete – the student who sits next to him was not in school. So he didn’t attempt to rip out his math homework worksheet because in his mind HE WAS FOLLOWING MOMMY’S DIRECTIONS. I wanted to cuss. In fact, if you cuss, you can cuss right here. At that point, I wasn’t mad at LaChan or mad at Avery. I was mad because I realized I overlooked a major factor. I have become so used to responding to him like he has no special needs that I forget that some of his needs can be as pervasive as any kid with more severe symptoms of autism. I forgot that that his needs can be as pervasive as my need to keep lists or Nile’s need for 10 minutes grace time when waking up. So, if…I mean WHEN this comes up again, the consequences of the infractions not only have to fit the “crime”, they also have to fit the kid…and that takes parental discipline.
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I'm excited, proud, and honored to feature LaChan Hannon's guest "blog" for me today. PLEASE read and enjoy!
____________________________________________________________________ We can often find ourselves walking a fine line between being an individual and also wanting to belong; between liking ourselves just the way we are and desiring to fit in; between establishing our own ‘house rules’ and following the rules those expect of us. We, hopefully, raise our children to be independent, yet we measure them by the comparative standards of others. We want them to stand out and be noticed, but we frown upon their seemingly attention-seeking behavior. ‘Be good, but not too good or people will think you’re a show off. Be strong, but not too strong or people will think you don’t need help. Be cautious, but not too cautious or people will think you’re afraid to take risks’. We are walking, living, breathing contradictions. And, it makes us beautiful – it makes us all the same, normal. There were moments, days, months, and years that I did not feel so normal. Our invisible differences made me the target of mothers’ stares as my child flipped over his own stroller while still strapped in it as we waited for my daughter to finish dance class. It made me the recipient of unsolicited advice and ridiculous wisdoms of well-intentioned onlookers. But, it more importantly made me prayerful about my thoughts, deliberate about my words, and intentional about my actions. It made me reshape my definition of motherhood and accept that no matter how hard I tried to be normal just like everyone else, we were peculiar…and I make no apologies for that, now. The ‘day of no apologies’ began on Autism Day at Sesame Place, when I looked around and witnessed 6 full blown meltdowns (one of which was mine) happening simultaneously and met the eyes of each mother giving each an understanding smile, a shrug of the shoulders, a ‘thumbs up’, an encouraging head nod, or my arms as help. The ‘day of no apologies’ has become a lifestyle. It is a lifestyle that continues each day I reconcile my insecurities with my purpose. The ‘day of no apologies’ continues each time my differences are identified as something for which I should be ashamed or embarrassed. Being different is rarely easy. It isn’t always appreciated, understood, supported, and trusted. Mothering a child with autism AND a child without autism IS different. It is different than the generations of motherhood that came before me and demands that I revamp, recreate, and sometimes ignore the oral traditions of motherly wisdom passed down to me. My differences make me dependent on every other part of my being – my senses, my gut, my intuition, my husband, my faith, my revelation. I’ve learned that with the acceptance of difference comes confidence – confidence in knowing you are doing what you were put here to do. Differences facilitate finding your Purpose. I love the fact that my family is different. It is routine yet spontaneous (again with the contradictions). Life knew what I needed, and what I was lacking. Life created my normal just for me, and no one else. It is for me to appreciate, grow from, accept, and share my story so that someone else can accept their own normal. We’re different for a reason not so that we can all be the same and normal. We are different so that we can find our own purposes in life. And, so that we make an impact on someone else who needs to be confident in their difference as well. The ‘day of no apologies’ is a MOVEMENT of PURPOSE. We overcome by the power of our testimony. And, my story is different than yours. There is purpose in your difference. Live it and Share it… For people who are Christians or who have attended church for any period of time, they may be familiar with a Biblical passage in I Peter, Chapter 2 verse 9, where the author broadly refers to folks who follow the teachings of Christ as peculiar people. I came across this passage during my own devotional time this week and realized that there are probably several folks who consider themselves peculiar, or through their lived experiences, realize that they have been perceived as peculiar.
Now, I’m not a Biblical scholar, but I do interpret this passage to be referring to folks who may not fit into the norm; this is very similar to what I blogged about last week on the experience of being “othered” (for more on that, visit the blog right below this one, entitled “Black, White, and ‘Other’”). But as I’ve spent time recalling my own experiences, sharing ideas with people closest to me (namely, my wife), and listening to the incredible stories of the fathers I’ve been interviewing, I don’t think it’s too much to assign this peculiar label to these fathers and their experiences. I say this because of a really consistent message I’ve heard from these guys. It's one that I’ve come to REALLY appreciate: It takes special parents to raise special needs children. I’m going to take the liberty and add peculiar here, too. Meaning, it takes special, and maybe peculiar, parents to be willing to confront their own feelings about their children being different than their peers in ways that may make their kids targets of potential ridicule or bullying. It takes special, and maybe peculiar, parents to attend IEP meetings and demand their children receive the services they need, deserve, and are entitled to by law when they may confront teachers and administrators who are not supportive because the empathy well has run dry. It takes special, and maybe peculiar, parents to subject themselves to stigmatizing behavior in public places – like being stared at in restaurants, shoe stores, clothing stores, carnivals – so they can create memories with their children while folks who may not appreciate it respond insensitively. Of course, there are days (thank you, Jesus! Or, you can thank whoever it is you thank) when parents of special needs kids don’t have to feel as special or as peculiar. I love hearing my wife share the story about the first time she went Autism Day at Sesame Place some years ago. You see, LaChan’s employment schedule lightened up during the summer because she’s a teacher. But, she would willingly assume the role of full-time homemaker during that time by engaging with our kids for the better part of those 8 weeks…under the condition we got a summer Sesame Place pass. A few days a week, she and friend would organize a play date and they would take all the kids to Sesame Place. They would usually report having a good time. But there were frequent days when she would also express some frustration about insensitive staff members or feeling a little stigmatized by other park guests who didn’t know the extent of our son’s needs. But then, Sesame Place instituted an Autism Day. On this day, parents and caregivers of kids with autism and other special needs could bring their kids to the park without the hustle and bustle of a typical summer day. Whenever she recants the story of taking our son to the park that day, the relief she expresses – even now – is palpable. You can literally see her “exhaling” as she talks about it. She calls that day, “The Day of No Apologies” and it moves me every time I think about it. I hope that as a member of this wonderful community of special needs parents and families, that I can continue moving toward being unapologetically peculiar. Have a great weekend! -mike |
AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
January 2016
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