I think my kids would describe as me as a “visible” father.
I have plenty of friends who are visible fathers, too. Visible fathers sometimes live with their children and some do not. They have a consistent and generally positive presence in their kids’ lives. They work hard to divide responsibilities associated with raising the children whether in a romantic relationship with the other parent or not. The children’s teachers know these fathers, doctors know these fathers, dance instructors know these fathers, and coaches know these fathers. They are present. They are involved. They are accessible. My children have seen me assume an even more visible role over the last three years because of my status as a full-time student. My classes were often in the afternoon or evening, and I had a part-time job (20 hours/week) which freed up my schedule in a way it has never been free since my college days. LaChan continued to work full-time to support us financially as I worked through my program. Most days, I saw the kids off to school, picked them up from the bus stop, and made babysitting arrangements if my classes didn’t allow me to pick them up. Their schools called me if there was some emergency (we’ll define emergency loosely…that could range from Nile or Avery forgetting a book to one of them needing to be picked up due to illness). The point is, I was and have been the guy for several years now. Teachers emailed me. Doctors saw me. Specialists scheduled with me. I am visible. Being home now in South Jersey, with easy access to Philadelphia, has its privileges. Avery has had some health challenges recently, and we’ve been visiting with various specialists to figure out what may be happening. A recent visit to a specialist in Philly reminded me how infrequently this doctor may be used to seeing my pedigree of father – an involved father, a visible father – in her practice. (I think I just put my fists on my hips and stuck my chest out like Superman…anyway) Make no mistake, the doctor was great. She was sharp, intuitive, sensitive and a clear communicator. LaChan and I walked in to her office, and after brief introductions, she asked the question: So mom, what brings you in today? (Wait, what?!?!) I’m so used to running the kids to the doctor’s offices, the physicians usually direct questions to me even when LaChan and I visit together. No big deal, though. LaChan gave a clear and complete answer about our concerns. As the conversation ensued, her verbal and nonverbal language was directed solely at LaChan. I don’t remember her making much eye contact with me as she continued to address her questions to “mom”. On the occasion when I inserted myself into the discourse, she engaged with her eyes and her body language. Her shoulders turned and faced mine. She listened attentively. When my statements were done, though, she continued engaging LaChan. One of two things was happening during this visit. (1) I was TOTALLY overreacting to not being point-man in this moment. Maybe I was having…a…silent…tantrum. Or, (2) the doctor was just behaving in a slightly biased way because of which gender of parent she sees most frequently in her office. Or, maybe it was a little of both. Appreciating and acknowledging how our gender biases are (always) working is important. It happens the other way around, all the time. The server, 8 out of 10 times, forwards me the bill at a restaurant. Sometimes I have to stop myself from telling him or her: Listen, I ain’t got no money. If anyone is paying for this meal, she is. On this particular day in Philly, the doctor defaulted to mom. She may not have been used to engaging with a visible, involved father capable of contributing to the conversation, and I may have been a little sensitive that day. So I say that all to say… Happy Fathers’ Day to the visible fathers contributing to their children’s lives. Happy Fathers’ Day to the fathers aspiring to be more visible and make the decision to be more involved, accessible, and present. And, Happy Fathers’ Day to the invisible fathers that still need more nudging and encouragement to become more relevant in their children’s lives. Our families need us, whether we are biological fathers or functioning in a fathering role to a child who does not have a visible father. Enjoy the day! And, take pride in being visible!
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
January 2016
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