Well, really it wasn’t today; it was last week. And, it wasn’t just me. LaChan, Nile, Avery, and I called our third-ever family meeting. It was the much anticipated discussion about autism. During conversation, we told Avery that he has a form of autism.
I must admit: I was scared to do it. I was so anxious that I envisioned the scenario over and over and over in my mind in the days, hours, and minutes leading up to the conversation. It had been brewing for weeks now. And, with his birthday party on the horizon, we had to make a decision. Last Sunday, I went to church alone. LaChan kept the kids home to help prep for Avery’s bowling birthday party, which was later that afternoon –at least 35 children and a host of parents would be there. And NOW, he was 9. Nine year-olds are socially unpredictable – they bully, tease, play jokes, tell-half truths – but that’s another conversation. After service, I disclosed to my parents that LaChan and I planned to tell him. I asked that they pray with me and for us, and they unhesitatingly obliged me. We prayed, thanked, and cried together in anticipation. Well, I was the only one who cried. Why was I moved to tears? My emotions were mixed and scattered. Part of it was guilt. Why did we wait this long? Part of it was fear. What does he know? Will he think there is something wrong with him? Part of it came from just acknowledging how BIG and OVERWHELMING raising a child with special needs can be as a father. In this moment with my parents, I admitted that I was overwhelmed. And, again my parents were there offering their support as I worked through those feelings. I hoped that I’d be able to provide the same kind of support to Avery as my parents did for me. When I got home, we called the kids into the bedroom. Man, I was nervous. A 20 minute conversation felt like ages. But, here’s what I remember most. As the kids sat on the bed with LaChan, I knelt on one knee, leaning against it. It probably looked like I had a belly ache. LaChan opened up the conversation saying she and I wanted to talk to the kids about something important. At one point she asked Avery directly: Do you know what autism is? Avery responded, “Um...it’s like an ability or disability. And, there’s no cure.” Okay, somebody’s been talking to him about this. And it ain’t been me! CRAP! LaChan: Do you know anybody with autism? Avery: No. I don’t think so. LaChan: Do you remember…?(she began to name a bunch of his friends from a social skills program in which he used to participate) Avery: Yeah, those are my friends from Pennsylvania! LaChan: Guess what Avery? They have autism. Avery: They do?! LaChan: Yup. And you know what? So do you. Now there was probably only a 1-second pause, but to me, it felt like FOR… … …EVER Avery: (smirking) So, I was right. Someone DID tell him before we did. This is EXACTLY what we didn’t want to happen. Insert GUILT here. I jumped in. Me: Avery, when did you think you had autism? Avery: When you and mommy gave me my Skate for Autism shirt. We used to host an annual Skate for Autism event in April as an outreach program through our nonprofit organization. That was EASILY 5 years ago. Clearly, he had been paying attention. Had we already told him in other ways and not known it? Me: Well, Avery, autism is part of what makes you a really cool brutha. Autism is what helps you have a GREAT memory and be a great martial artist. It is why you are such a great math student and follower of the rules. It helps you read really BIG words and why you like to rub our noses. LaChan: Yup. It helps you in those ways, Avery. But sometimes it can make things difficult, too, which is why it’s important to ask for help. Autism is sometimes why you don’t like eating anything but french toast sticks for breakfast and why you don’t like changes in your schedule. That’s when you have to be really brave to do things that are good for you, but sometimes don’t feel so good. At this point, ALL of us (Nile included) were watching to see Avery’s reactions. He didn’t seem overwhelmed. There was no climax or dramatic moment, which is what I wanted. We didn’t talk in terms of “disability” and “deficit”. Our language was about “differences” and “preferences”. We asked him if he was okay with what we talked about. He, very matter-of-factly, stated he was fine. Of course, he wanted to hug us all, which makes total sense because he usually seeks sensory input when something is a little new or unfamiliar. He reached in for what seemed like a kiss and rubbed my nose. That’s my Avery… I was relieved. I was thankful. I was finally breathing. He had a great birthday party and hasn’t said anything about autism since that conversation, except when we all wore blue on Thursday to support Autism Awareness Day. My concerns are still alive and well, though. Someone else might talk about to him about autism in terms of disability or deficit. This is exactly where my faith has to outweigh my fears and concerns. That’s a daily decision for me. I checked in with Nile a few hours later and she seemed in good spirits. She thought our conversation went well, stating she was glad to be a part of it. Her voice and feedback is just as important in this process as anyone else’s. The next day, Avery’s teachers received an email from me about the conversation. Hearing almost immediately from his school counselor (who is a GREAT counselor), I asked they work hard to communicate the same things about Avery’s differences if he ever asks about them. I also asked that they share the email with others in the building who may find it useful. This was especially important to me because it’s Autism Awareness Month and schools are talking about it. We are all wonderfully and carefully made - differences and all. I can now celebrate those differences WITH my son, not just about my son.
20 Comments
Norma Gaines-Hanks
4/28/2013 02:06:23 am
What a heartwarming story. Thanks for sharing and putting another human face on Autism. This is an amazing teachable moment that I want to share with my students--many of whom are pursuing a minor in Disabilities Studies.
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Kristy FItzgerald
4/28/2013 05:48:59 am
Awww, this gave me good chills b/c I know that you were waiting with this very important discussion and I'm sure it was hard. I love the way you say "carefully made". When I have these types of discussions with my 3, I often use the term different abilities, not stressing "disability", but I now this beautiful phrase, carefully made...love it!
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Kimetra Leacock
4/28/2013 07:06:21 am
Aww, this is touching. I'm so glad the conversation went well. And I love that you said that you can now celebrate his differences with him, and not just about him.
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marcia myers
4/28/2013 12:24:24 pm
Oh Wow!
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Valerie Smith
4/28/2013 11:52:11 am
I am convinced the wisdom and peace in your family is a gift from God. Time and time again you show us how all our children are gifts from God because they cause us to seek His wisdom. The fact that Avery already knew is priceless because you'll never underestimate the level of discernment and wisdom flowing in your whole family. Thanks also for being honest and sincere about broaching challenging subjects to our children. Never easy! God bless you and your family.
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Monte
4/28/2013 01:19:30 pm
I was anticipating reading or hearing about this conversation. I love that you spoke of "differences" as opposed to "disability". I hope that more people can view any "disability" as just a "difference". That boy is my poster child for what life is all about. Live life the way God designed you to. Awesome!
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Michael Hannon
4/28/2013 04:14:08 pm
I appreciate all of your encouragement, folks! I'm certainly grateful to have such a supportive "team" who make it easier to confront some tough issues.
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LaChan
5/2/2013 11:29:41 am
I'm teary as I read everyone's comments. I don't know if this is right or wrong, BUT I always feel more close to understanding how God loves me when I read these posts. I know, I'm part of the story, but when I read it, I don't feel like it. I feel like an outsider watching someone else's life, gaining revelation through someone else's experience. The comments of the collective continue to provide confirmation of this shared experience. And I am grateful to those who comment for holding up the mirror by which I am able to see and appreciate my experience. ~thank you - LaChan
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Keith Richards
5/2/2013 12:37:28 pm
I feel almost just as relieved as you! My nephew is a trooper!!!
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Lauren Gebhart
5/2/2013 01:07:26 pm
This is a beautiful story to share with parents and families everywhere. You are an inspiration to all parents, not just those dealing with special needs. Your son is an amazing testament to the love, support and knowledge you provide him (Nile is also really amazing!)
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Brandyn Guzman
5/2/2013 02:28:48 pm
This is just awesome and beautiful. Just continue to seek His wisdom and trust in Him. You all are so blessed to have each other.
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Zakia
6/1/2013 02:11:07 am
Appreciated reading this! I would LOVE to share your blog with a colleague of mine who's son is 2 and has autism.
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Michael Hannon
6/1/2013 02:24:32 am
Hey Zakia-
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Jonathan Stube
4/2/2014 03:00:25 am
I'm so moved by your family, Michael. Thanks for sharing your journey. It's inspiring me to be a better father.
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Michael Hannon
4/2/2014 03:21:55 am
Stube! It's great to hear from you! Thanks for reading and responding. Your comments mean a lot to me. We really need to catch up soon. I hope you and your family are well.
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Jeremy Smith
4/2/2014 04:45:49 am
Hey Mike, well that one hit home. My son Elias was formally diagnosed about a year ago with Asperger's about a year ago. I recall a very similar conversation. You don't know how much reading your blog and learning from someone tackling the same issues means to me. Thank you.
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Michael Hannon
4/2/2014 04:57:30 am
Jeremy:
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Tashiko
7/6/2016 12:10:24 pm
my name is Tashiko I am student at Chemeketa Community College I am student with disability and I saw your video about your son! In the state of Oregon we have a population 1.8 African-Americans mostly because of exculision laws pass in the 1940s! I am part of Differently Abled Club at my school, but we have no members who people of color what can i do to members of color when we are struggling to get members? also I would love advice on disability Justice
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Michael Hannon
7/7/2016 05:26:58 pm
Hi Tashiko: Thanks so much for your message! It sounds like you and your group at Chemeketa Community College are doing great things. Why don't you email me directly at [email protected] and we can have more in-depth discussion.
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7/9/2020 12:12:42 am
Such an authentic and honest post. You model how to do this and give the sage advise to tell your child before someone else does.
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
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