I was at a counseling conference a few weeks back where I had to make a presentation. During the presentation, I shared information about the scripts boys and men are socialized to learn and use during their lives. The idea isn’t new; male children in the United States are generally socialized to be resilient, self-directed, self-sufficient, and in some cases, invulnerable. I was raised with two sisters, but I spent a lot of time with male cousins and played sports as a kid with boys in my neighborhood and larger community (shout out to the Boro!). When situations arose that might elicit tears, the scripts from parents, cousins, and coaches were frequently to the tune of:
“I know you’re not about to cry?!” “You are too old to be crying over that!” “Stop girlin!” Or, something like that. Matt Englar-Carlson, Glenn Good, and James Mahalik are a team of researchers that have done some really interesting work in the area of male socialization. One of their biggest contributions that have stuck with me are the scripts they say boys are socialized to learn. I think fathers, by extension, are very likely to then reteach these scripts to their sons. Those scripts are the: 1. Strong and silent script, which refers to boys and men not having the ability or permission to express the range of emotions they experience; 2. Tough guy script, which refers to displaying a demeanor of fearlessness, aggressiveness, and/or invulnerability; 3. Give’em hell script, which refers to the act of using aggressive behavior in response to experiencing an uncomfortable feeling or emotion (e.g., grief, loss, embarrassment, etc.); and, 4. Playboy script, which refers to engaging in frequent and/or risky sexual behavior. For any men reading this, is this familiar? For women readers, have you seen these scripts being played out in the boys and men to whom you are connected? I saw a version of the tough guy script being performed just the other day. I was in a high school classroom (I’m a school counselor) with a teacher and student at the end of the day. Just the 3 of us were there. The student was getting feedback on his work and the teacher made a comment to the effect of, “I don’t want my comments to be hurtful but you can do so much better than what you are doing now. You can be a really strong student.” Well, the student immediately responded, “Mrs. (insert name here), you could never hurt me.” I couldn’t believe it, but I don’t know why I was surprised. The response was developmentally appropriate, and he wanted to make sure his female teacher knew that he could NEVER get hurt. I just had to chuckle to myself…and of course, keep this young man on my radar should he and I have any further interactions. So dads and other caregivers, what scripts are you giving your boys? More importantly, are those scripts helpful or harmful as they move through their development? I know I give my son scripts to use. Some of them are helpful, especially for a child who doesn’t always pick up on subtle social cues. We’ve tried to help him express his feelings (e.g., “That hurt my feelings”, “You’re making me really mad right now”, “I’m really frustrated”, etc.). But, some of the scripts I’ve given him are reminiscent of the ones I’ve learned (and mastered), such as, “Crying is for babies, not big boys!” Clearly, I’ve got more work to do…I’ve got to learn, and then share, some other scripts that will help, not hinder, my son’s ability to be transparent, loving, and willing to take risks. That’s when there’s evidence of my fidelity to him and other young men with whom I have relationships. Comments and reactions are always welcomed and appreciated. Peace, -mike
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Blog 1
This is the beginning of a public diary entry, or blog, about fathering. My name is Mike Hannon. I’m a counselor by profession and a father by biological and societal standards. I have a wonderful partner and wife, LaChan, who I’ve known since 1992 and married in 2000. We have 2 great kids: Nile (daughter) who is a 10 year old 5th grader and Avery (son) who is an 8 year old 3rd grader. I’ve been toiling over the idea of blogging because I realize it’s something I need to try. My ideas, I believe, are worth sharing. Notions of fatherhood and family REALLY resonate with me because they are a huge part of my identity. I consider my position as a family member and father in most everything I do. It has become even more salient as a doctoral student in counseling. My dissertation (Lord willing, to be completed no later than June 2013), is on how men make meaning of being the fathers of children with autism. My son, Avery, has a form of autism and that diagnosis has literally changed the trajectory of our family’s life, as it does with so many other families living with and caring for kids with disabilities. So, now that you’ve got a little bit of context, I wanted to share my most recent hurdle…I can’t think of a better word to describe how I’m feeling about it. My son is considered “high functioning” (which means something very unique to a bunch of people). But, for us, that essentially means that he’s in a regular education program, is verbal, expressive, has developed the capacity to initiate and engage in meaningful peer friendships, and exhibits behavior that is generally considered, socially appropriate. The easier way to say that is: he doesn’t stand out like other kids with autism who are more severely affected by the diagnosis. I’ve been reading (for pleasure and professional development) Uncommon fathers: Reflections on raising a child with a disability by Donald Meyer. It’s a great read for me as a counselor, but more importantly it’s helping me to connect with other dads with similar experiences. So…Avery saw the book as we were getting ready for karate this evening and asked me: “Daddy are you an uncommon father?” You see my wife, daughter, and I have not told Avery he has autism, but I’ve been toiling over how I will do that. I’ve heard and seen horror stories of kids having a diagnosis for years and their finding out through their school counselor, school psychologist, or private therapist. Frankly, I don’t wanna be that dude. I owe it to my kid to inform him of his strengths and support him in all areas in which he may struggle. How do I tell him? What do I say about this diagnosis and what it means for him versus another kid who has autism? I’ve been attempting to be prayerful about it and don’t believe I received any clarity about how it should be done. What I do know is that members of this particular community have reconstructed autism into a really creative acronym: Always Unique Totally Interesting Sometimes Mysterious. I want to be able to do that for Avery and for those who may not appreciate his awesome peculiarities and ultimately desire to meet my responsibility of fidelity to him. I’m open to feedback or suggestions should you have any… |
AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
January 2016
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