The last 7 days have been especially demanding for our family, particularly our daughter. As I’ve mentioned before, she’s in her first year at a private school in hopes that it would provide her with more individualized and rigorous instruction. The experience was generally meeting our expectations, from what we could tell. Her social transition was a little harder than I would have liked, but we knew some of that was related to the commute to and from school.
You see, our network here in NJ is pretty expansive. Our closest friends and family are here. Nile’s commute was about 40 minutes each way to school. I took her in the mornings because my schedule is much more flexible than LaChan’s. I would pick her up at the end of the day two days a week, while one of my best friends and my aunt would pick her up 3 days during the week. We thought it was working. We were grateful for all of the support. We kept trying to justify the decision we made for her to go there. It’s a great school. She got a huge scholarship to attend. Classes are small and she thrives in smaller, more intimate environments. She can build deep relationships with the faculty and students. If things go well, she’ll never have to transfer again because it’s a K-12 school. We had been at this schedule for 3 months now. Nile is up at 5:45 AM (she’s 10), she and I are out the door by 6:50 AM. We arrive to school usually no later than 7:40 AM. We pray together in the car once we get to school. When I pray with my kids, I usually ask them, “Is there anything you want to pray about?” Her answer seemed to be on repeat on most days. “I’m just gonna ask God to help me not be so tired.” LaChan and I had been talking about Nile’s fatigue for at least 6 weeks. Our conversations were usually centered on how WE could adjust to help her. We had already modified our schedules tremendously to make this work and were willing to do what it took for Nile to take advantage of this opportunity. But, we couldn’t because any other adjustments would be for Nile to make, not us. We can’t get her up any earlier. She can’t stay after school to deepen her relationships because of the distance from home. She can’t stay after school if she wanted to do the OTHER things (besides school!) that bring her joy and balance, like ballet or community sports. Our family was out of balance and we were not operating in Nile’s best interest. Here’s when I knew we weren’t doing right by her. As LaChan and I were hashing this stuff out one night, at one point she stopped and said to me: If this were Avery, we would have BEEN moved him. *Checkmate* And, I make no assumption that LaChan struggles with this, but I know how much my pride can be an obstacle for me making a good decision…or changing my mind and doing an “about face”. There’s a Biblical scripture that essentially communicates that acting in pride is usually preceded by something not too good. We sat Ni down last Saturday to tell her that we thought it would be best for her to change schools. Again. She got visibly upset. She cried a bit, but didn’t seem overwhelmed at the beginning of the conversation. When we asked her how she was feeling, she communicated that she would be sad because she got cool with a few girlfriends. But she really began to cry as she expressed how much she missed spending time with us because she spends most days, “in the car or doing my homework”. *insert GUILT here* LaChan and I were both moved to tears. She hugged LaChan and she whispered in her ear something that confirmed for us that we were making the right decision, even if it meant another transition. Thank you, mommy.
12 Comments
Renee C
12/15/2012 02:56:39 am
Wow! Who would of thought that wanting what's best for our children could be so hard. Commending you on " listening."
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Kyle
12/15/2012 04:56:58 am
Oh wow ...amazing ...#atalossforwords...I'm glad you both provide her with the platform to be a part of the decision making process.
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Dr. Hutton (mom-mom)
12/15/2012 09:15:06 am
I wish there was a manual that we could all follow..... thank God we have his spirit to guide us..... thanks for listening to Him. Nile will be fine bc every experience is preparation for the next. I am proud of you and Channi for working together and being attuned. Love you.
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Michael Hannon
12/15/2012 11:25:14 pm
Renee-
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Michael Hannon
12/15/2012 11:27:20 pm
Kyle-
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Michael Hannon
12/15/2012 11:29:29 pm
Dr. Hutton (aka Mom-Mom):
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kswain1906
12/16/2012 12:16:12 am
Thanks for this Mike. We haven't had this exact situation but similar expeiences with insane schedules. Im gonna have to bookmark this entry as a guidepost next time we are over taxing our youngins.
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Michael Hannon
12/16/2012 07:14:47 am
Thanks for checking in, Ken. It's clear how much you and Jamie seek to provide your kids with experiences that will continue to help shape them into a great kids and adults.
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Maleeta
12/16/2012 01:34:48 pm
Thanks for this post. As a elementary teacher I constantly ask myself when do my students have the time to just be kids, to run, to play and be silly. I wish more parents would read this! Stop asking for homework for the weekend and projects for the upcoming winter break
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Monte
12/16/2012 01:36:16 pm
Wow! This may have been the most powerful story I have heard. It obviously means a lot to me to see your family grow together, but this makes me want to check the mirror and see what "about faces" I need to make. Thank you for sharing!
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Atiya
1/26/2013 06:29:01 am
Thank you for sharing this experience with us! I commend you and your wife for talking this situation out and coming to a common goal. More importantly, you guys listened to your child's spoken and unspoken concerns. This is great parenting! Keep it up!
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Michael Hannon
1/26/2013 09:50:10 am
Thanks, Atiya, for your encouragement and kind words.
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
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