It has always been important for my wife and me to connect our kids to the local community through recreational activities. We were raised that way and have assumed a similar practice as parents. From the time they were each around 4, our kids have participated in organized activities like soccer, softball/T-ball, ballet, karate, choir, and violin. Learning ballet and violin seem to be sticking a bit more with Nile (daughter) than the others, although she still loves singing and other kinds of creative and performing arts. Avery (son) loves it all – he loves competing in sports and academics (unless he loses, of course…that’s an entirely different blog topic) and creative performance (singing, dancing, drumming, etc.).
In our relocation back to South Jersey this past summer, we wanted to be intentional about finding activities that would challenge and support them in healthy ways. We found a ballet studio for Nile fairly easily and she’s resumed playing violin in school. Avery began learning the Korean martial art, Tang Soo Do, last year, while living in Central PA where we found a great instructor who ran a small studio. Wait, can I give a shout out here? (*holding the microphone like a celebrity on the BET awards show*) SHOUT OUT TO VALLALLA’S MARTIAL ARTS ACADEMY IN STATE COLLEGE, PA! Tony was firm, fair, and encouraging to all of the kids when we observed him. We believed his studio and instruction would be a great fit for Avery, and it was. The instructor also has the same spiritual/religious beliefs as we have (Christian), so it was easy to talk to him about our faith and how important it was and is in helping Avery develop his skills, even with a diagnosed disability. In our return home to NJ, I was particularly anxious about finding a martial arts studio that would be similarly good for Avery, which meant a few specific things: 1 - an instructor who would be sensitive to his needs, should he have a meltdown or engage in an activity (e.g., repetitive speech) that other folks may not understand, 2 - an instructor who was more strength-based than deficit-based, or practiced acknowledging and celebrating students’ strengths overwhelmingly more than focusing on where the students may fall short, and 3 - a studio that would not just assume that because Avery seemed to fit in because of his profile as a kid with high functioning autism, that his needs would go overlooked. I know. I’m a choosy beggar. I’m okay with that. At this point in my life, I’d rather ask about accommodations and be told they can’t be met, then not ask at all and never know how accommodating someone is capable of being (I’ll let that sit for a minute). After visiting studios, talking with friends and family and having them pray for our transition, praying with LaChan, and most importantly, TALKING TO AVERY, we found a studio that we believed could meet most, if not all of these preferences. The instructor, who is a great guy, met Avery one day when he and LaChan were visiting without me. He made a comment to LaChan that we hear fairly frequently when folks find out Avery has an autism spectrum disorder: I would have never known he had autism. How did you fix him? *Sigh* I’ve got mixed feelings about a statement like this. On the one hand, I know it’s meant to be a compliment and I’m appreciative. Really, I am. Furreal. On the other hand, though, it implies that something was, well…broken. I’m not too fond of that. It’s kind of like when you come across folks who have low expectations of you so when you meet or exceed those expectations they give you a compliment that highlights their low expectations (e.g., “You speak so well!”). Or, maybe (*I’m about to really be painfully transparent now*), I need to acknowledge that I have been guilty of communicating the same sentiment. I’m guilty of wanting a quick fix, formula, or clean up strategy to eliminate my feelings of insecurity, discomfort, or being judged because of my son’s diagnosis and symptoms. And, for those of us who are members of the larger community of people with disabilities (as caretakers), one of the hardest things to do when finding out about your son’s/daughter’s/sibling’s disability is to confront your OWN FEELINGS, IDEAS, OR STEREOTYPES ABOUT PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES. *Sigh* So, how did we fix him? We didn’t. We believe in a God that gently reminds us all of how human we are – with all of our strengths and limitations – whether we have a diagnosed disability or not. And, we attribute any measure of success that we experience to Him. We are also continuously learning to be patient, to be flexible, to be honest, and to give and receive constructive criticism. These skills and qualities, I would argue, are critical for my own family’s success, and I’m pretty willing to bet that they apply to any family. So, in the most severe circumstances, like if Avery lost his ability to verbally communicate (which can happen in children on the autism spectrum – the diagnosis is Child Disintegrative Disorder), I have to resolve that he is not, nor was ever broken, and consequently, didn’t need fixing. Because in the loss of one skill, I trust more of his many strengths will emerge even stronger. For the people who know me really well, they KNOW, I’m no “Mr. Fix It”. I’m that guy who helps with home improvement projects, because I’m not handy. My wife is a beast, though. I HATE going to Home Depot with her because the staff members look at me for questions and answers, and I just direct them to her. And while she is an immensely talented teacher and behaviorist, my wife didn’t “clean up” autism’s mess in our family. She modeled the flexibility, patience and honesty we needed to see so that we could confront our own limitations, not Avery’s. I appreciate your reading and welcome any/all comments. Peace, -mike
2 Comments
11/18/2012 05:30:02 am
Interesting blog Nupe. Me and my wife have taken a similar approach with our kids. It is a constant challenge to keep them active and feeling challenged physically and mentally
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Michael Hannon
11/18/2012 12:27:20 pm
Donte'-
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
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