It was around 5th or 6th grade I remember my dad really beginning to talk to me directly about puberty and all the wonderful things associated with it: physical changes, sexual ideas and desires, anxious and awkward interactions with girls to whom I might be attracted, the (forgone) hope that I might grow just a little bit taller, etc. Naturally, the conversations with him were strange at the beginning.
Our ongoing dialogue began on a seemingly random day with my responding to his question, “How was your day?” by telling him that among the day’s other happenings, we talked about sex in my health class and I overheard some kids from class joking about it as I walked home from school (I was rolling solo around that time because I was the new kid in school). In his unique way, he availed himself to me by saying that if I EVER had any questions about sex, feel free to JUST ask him… I never JUST asked him…EVER Thankfully, we found ways to engage about things like relationships – romantic and platonic – and found our rhythm as we both got older and more confident in navigating touchy topics in my house. And here I am now, the father of a 10-year old girl and an 8-year old boy. I’ve tried to avail myself to my daughter by intentionally bringing things up and hopefully stripping away the awkwardness that can come with a pre-adolescent girl talking to her dad about stuff related to puberty. I tell her that they’ll likely be, at some point, some boy or girl who thinks she’s pretty and as a result, act in a really weird way toward her because s/he likes her. They may vie for her attention, seem a bit nosy and overbearing, or be really, really nice. Or, it may happen the other way around. She may find a person really cute and consequently vie for attention, become preoccupied, or just want to spend time with that person. My ongoing act of chivalry with her is to always carry her book bag when I pick her up from school. I’ve tried to communicate that things like offering to carry her book bag (even though she often tells me she can carry it herself) is one way a person can demonstrate their interest in her…beyond the other weird stuff. But what about THE BOY? About two weeks ago, he came home and told his mom (who in turn, told me) that a boy in his class kissed him on the cheek. *Blank stare* A few days later, one of his classmates, who happens to be our neighbor, gave him her phone number. He placed the number on the fridge with a magnet and subsequently told us he planned on going on a date with her. *Blank stare* And thus, my wife and I have to work through the process of not just responding to our boy getting closer to experiencing puberty in a couple of years, but also the notion of helping him discern what may or may not be socially appropriate as he enters these pubescent years and the changes and corresponding feelings associated with it. How did we handle it, you ask? Mom to Avery: “You ain’t going on no dates! The only person you can take on a date is your mom!" But, his mom and I reinforced, that he can tell his male classmate that it’s not polite, or it makes him (well, really us) feel uncomfortable for anyone to kiss, touch, or hug him without permission. Thankfully, this isn’t a new phenomenon for him. Just a few months back he did the same thing to one of his female friends in our old neighborhood. When the girl told her mom (thankfully, she wasn’t offended), the mom told us. At that point we told him that you can’t just kiss people without permission. Children with an autism spectrum disorder (e.g., Asperger’s, PDD-NOS, etc.) can have a hard time taking one skill that they use really well in a specific context (e.g., making sure you say hello to mommy in the morning, but ONLY saying hello to mommy) and generalizing it to broader contexts. Or, the opposite can happen. They can take a skill and apply it EVERYWHERE in EVERY CONTEXT (e.g., breaking out in a Zumba dance ANYWHERE he hears salsa or merengue music). We’re fortunate that our son is verbal, expressive, and a giver and receiver of affection. And, I want him to remain affectionate because it reminds our family of what it feels like to be the object of affection. But, I’m not ready for him to share that affection with everybody, even if they want to kiss him or he wants to date them. At least not now. Reactions, opinions, and constructive feedback are always welcome and appreciated. Peace, -mike
1 Comment
Kimetra Leacock
12/23/2012 12:22:32 pm
This blog has been resonating in my head today. I love that you talk to Nile about the possibility of a boy or girl liking her, and about her liking a person. Most (straight) parents would talk to their children in that way only about the opposite sex. Then in cases where a child realizes they prefer the same sex, they would often feel confused and feel forced to try to like the opposite sex, because that's what their parent(s) told them. Even though I'm sure every parent wants their child to be straight, I commend you for broadening her mind to the possibility of more. And at the very least, she will be more tolerant and accepting of gay people, which the world could definitely use more of.
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
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