I was at a counseling conference a few weeks back where I had to make a presentation. During the presentation, I shared information about the scripts boys and men are socialized to learn and use during their lives. The idea isn’t new; male children in the United States are generally socialized to be resilient, self-directed, self-sufficient, and in some cases, invulnerable. I was raised with two sisters, but I spent a lot of time with male cousins and played sports as a kid with boys in my neighborhood and larger community (shout out to the Boro!). When situations arose that might elicit tears, the scripts from parents, cousins, and coaches were frequently to the tune of:
“I know you’re not about to cry?!” “You are too old to be crying over that!” “Stop girlin!” Or, something like that. Matt Englar-Carlson, Glenn Good, and James Mahalik are a team of researchers that have done some really interesting work in the area of male socialization. One of their biggest contributions that have stuck with me are the scripts they say boys are socialized to learn. I think fathers, by extension, are very likely to then reteach these scripts to their sons. Those scripts are the: 1. Strong and silent script, which refers to boys and men not having the ability or permission to express the range of emotions they experience; 2. Tough guy script, which refers to displaying a demeanor of fearlessness, aggressiveness, and/or invulnerability; 3. Give’em hell script, which refers to the act of using aggressive behavior in response to experiencing an uncomfortable feeling or emotion (e.g., grief, loss, embarrassment, etc.); and, 4. Playboy script, which refers to engaging in frequent and/or risky sexual behavior. For any men reading this, is this familiar? For women readers, have you seen these scripts being played out in the boys and men to whom you are connected? I saw a version of the tough guy script being performed just the other day. I was in a high school classroom (I’m a school counselor) with a teacher and student at the end of the day. Just the 3 of us were there. The student was getting feedback on his work and the teacher made a comment to the effect of, “I don’t want my comments to be hurtful but you can do so much better than what you are doing now. You can be a really strong student.” Well, the student immediately responded, “Mrs. (insert name here), you could never hurt me.” I couldn’t believe it, but I don’t know why I was surprised. The response was developmentally appropriate, and he wanted to make sure his female teacher knew that he could NEVER get hurt. I just had to chuckle to myself…and of course, keep this young man on my radar should he and I have any further interactions. So dads and other caregivers, what scripts are you giving your boys? More importantly, are those scripts helpful or harmful as they move through their development? I know I give my son scripts to use. Some of them are helpful, especially for a child who doesn’t always pick up on subtle social cues. We’ve tried to help him express his feelings (e.g., “That hurt my feelings”, “You’re making me really mad right now”, “I’m really frustrated”, etc.). But, some of the scripts I’ve given him are reminiscent of the ones I’ve learned (and mastered), such as, “Crying is for babies, not big boys!” Clearly, I’ve got more work to do…I’ve got to learn, and then share, some other scripts that will help, not hinder, my son’s ability to be transparent, loving, and willing to take risks. That’s when there’s evidence of my fidelity to him and other young men with whom I have relationships. Comments and reactions are always welcomed and appreciated. Peace, -mike
3 Comments
Mark Austin
10/26/2012 10:27:34 am
Well stated. All who are honest will admit to some measure of proximity to the lesson. Guilty as charged!! I do believe some of those "scripts" - as macho as they may seem - are a healthy defense mechanism for the world we live in. The oppression and poverty I've seen around the world doesn't have a socially-correct response. The swagger of an elite athlete often rest on the notion of "you can't stop me." Ask M. Jordan... he probably still believes it. I'm certainly not trying to defend an unhealthy application of these scripts... just to say that when your the most disenfranchised of the bunch, a script might get you over the hump. I appreciate the thought provoking words... and am tremendously proud of who you've become... M. Austin
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Thanks, Uncle Mark.
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Manna Selassie
1/27/2013 06:59:59 am
Kenny and Lascelles were infamous for this kind of behavior. They flirted and "macho-manned" there way through any uncomfortable situation. I was under the impression that men grew out of this, but your comments are leading me to believe this is ingrained in you from childhood and carries on.
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
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