I’m coming off the heels of having an awesome celebration last night of my sister-in-law’s most recent birthday. If you can imagine around 35 people within about 1000 square feet – eating, drinking, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company – it’s just a glimpse of how much fun we had. The parameters for the party were simple: if you showed up, you had to sing a karaoke song to the birthday girl OR you had to play an instrument. Now, imagine a bunch of young (mostly early 30s to early 40s), primarily African-American men and women who ARE members of the hip-hop and soul music generations and you can guess the music being…performed. Yeah, that’s what we’ll call them. Peformances.
Good times, indeed. As you see friends from near and far, it’s typical for those who are parents to ask about each other’s children. No surprise there. Well, as folks ask about Avery, much of the conversation in recent months has been about his martial arts experience. I like talking about Avery and martial arts. I like talking about the success he’s had and the great instructors and mentors with whom he’s connected over the last 2 years. Why else do I like it? Well, because it can be competitive and…can be perceived as masculine. Avery’s got another set of physical skills and strengths that kind of set him apart, which I’ve mentioned before but not in detail. My boy can dance his tail off. Line dances, salsa, merengue, Zumba instruction, WHATEVER. He can just move. Well. So, just the other day LaChan asks the question I KNOW has been on the burner for some time: Can Avery take a dance class at Nile’s ballet company? *deeeeeeep sigh* I was trying to monitor both my nonverbal/body language AND my verbal response. In my head I want to say, “Nah, man”, but I don’t have any good reason to say no. My reason is essentially that I, at times, perceive dance or formal dance instruction, as primarily feminine. Now, I enjoy ballet, modern, and African dance forms. And, because of my relationship with LaChan, I’ve seen some awesome male dancers. But, that has not translated into wanting MY SON to perform any of those forms. I’d much rather have him participate in a team, competitive sport (you know, soccer, baseball, SOMETHING!). What I’ve been learning in the context of raising a special needs guy is to make a conscious decision to celebrate strengths and differences in folks. I’m learning to challenge myself to spend less time talking primarily about my kid’s challenges and more time talking about his strengths. I’m learning not to “pathologize” his differences from other kids (e.g., his intellectual development, social development, etc.) and just acknowledging them as different: not wrong or bad. I’m not one of those folks who doesn’t realize how larger social systems and preferences work. We’d be doing my kids, and especially my son, a disservice if we didn’t work on Avery’s social skills, reading and comprehension skills, and/or his ability to start and complete a task. But, I’m also learning that regardless of what behaviors and attitudes are interpreted as appropriate, masculine, feminine, etc. by broader social standards, they have to be checked at my door when they don’t facilitate my boy’s development, confidence, and self-esteem. And, I might need to be just as critical for those that stand in the way of my own development, too. Peace, -mike
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
January 2016
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