I’m really excited to move closer to the completion of my dissertation. This culminating project has been time consuming, emotionally demanding, and fascinating all at the same time. I’m learning so much from these dads of kids with autism. I’m really indebted to them for their openness and transparency.
The time I’ve spent with them has inspired my post today. Our meetings have reminded me of something pretty simple, yet profound. Love shows up and takes action. Not rocket science, right? Well, consider this. I assume many men are not socialized to engage with our emotions. I’ve mentioned in a past blog my agreement with a mentor who has had over 20 years of clinical counseling experience with both men and women. She asserts that many boys are taught to only engage with two emotions: lust and anger. Girls, however, are socialized to engage with a full range of emotions, with the exception of lust and anger. Whether or not you think there is any validity to this claim, consider middle school students’ social experiences. A boy at 11 years old has probably learned that if he communicates being hurt (e.g., “My feelings are hurt”, “I’m physically hurt”, etc.) he risks becoming a target of light joking or more serious harassment. Disguising hurt for some boys literally becomes a survival tactic. The same can be said of girls. How often have we heard a girl get reprimanded for being too aggressive or too candid? That kind of behavior may not be considered “lady like” by some folks. Just food for thought about our comfort with knowing, acknowledging, and becoming comfortable with our emotions… Now, the dads who are contributing to my dissertation all had the opportunity to describe the qualities of a good dad from their perspectives. I do not recall ANY of them describe emotional qualities or talk in emotional terms. None of them said that a good dad "is loving". However, they ALL spoke in action words, which I interpreted as expressions of their love. They said good dads: - Prepare their kids for the future - Avail themselves and spend time with their kids - Demonstrate patience with their kids - Tell their kids they love them - Provide financially and emotionally for their kids - Protect their kids - Pray with and for their kids - Communicate honestly and effectively with their kids A question you might hear between two people who have a strong relationship, but are not being clear about a particular idea might be: “What does that look like?” It basically asks for evidence that demonstrates whatever is needed or requested. For these men, this is what (the emotion, love) “looks like”. I can totally see what love looks like based on their descriptions. They didn’t discuss love in terms of the strong feelings they had for their children, but it was palpable. They talked about it in terms of the action they take every day to demonstrate it. Don’t get me wrong; there is incredible value in our words. It’s no coincidence that many faith traditions place so much significance in words. There is a Biblical passage that basically says that the power of life and death is in our words. The act of confession is powerful. The decision to offer an apology with words can be the difference between a relationship's life or death. But measuring the feelings attached to words becomes so much easier when the objects of our affection SEE love in action. It makes me reflect on poet Khalil Gibran’s transcendent words: Love is work made visible. So, in true hip-hop form, I want to send a shout out to the dads raising special needs kids! Those dads who both SAY AND SHOW how much they love their kids by making that love visible even if their children may not be able to verbally communicate their appreciation. We see you!
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
January 2016
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