My wife and I had a rude awakening a few weeks ago at our 5th grade daughter’s Parent – Teacher conferences. She does pretty well in school and would probably be considered high-achieving or academically talented based on evidence like grades, standardized tests, and her overall communication skills (e.g., thinking, reading, writing, speaking). In fact, we made a decision this year – and it was a hard one considering our strong public school educator identities – to send her to a private school….and it’s got ALL the bells and whistles. I’m talking REALLY small classes, a strong commitment and follow-through with technology, and an unwavering integration of the arts across the curriculum. With all of those features, we naively made some assumptions about what her early experience in her new school would be. Those assumptions included: a smooth academic transition, social and emotional support that matched her personality and preferences, and teachers who would just KNOW how to best communicate their expectations to her without any misunderstandings.
Man, were we WRONG. DEAD WRONG. As we engaged with each teacher we were generally pleased with most of what we heard. However, as we discussed with one teacher her performance in a subject in which she has to work a little harder, we realized that these folks really didn’t know our girl. In fact, to expect familiarity in just the first 8 weeks of school was simply inappropriate and unfair. Our frustration was a bit misdirected. As my counseling colleagues would say, my wife and I needed to use some “I” statements! What did we realize, you ask? We were reminded that we need to advocate for our typically developing child as much as we need to advocate for our special needs child. We have become really guilty, at times, of establishing a presence (mostly positive, but sometimes a little hostile when necessary) with our son’s school personnel because of some of his vulnerabilities. But, in doing so, we have overlooked our daughter’s vulnerabilities. There is tons of research out there… Better yet, it doesn’t take a researcher to know that sibling relationships are complex and nuanced. Siblings love each other. They surely get on each other’s “last, little, itty, bitty, (black)” nerve. They support each other, fight each other and fight FOR each other. They compete with each other. This experience becomes even more complex when one sibling has a disability. The great research that does exist just confirms, scientifically, what we already know and LIVE: typically developing children who have a siblings with disabilities (depending on the severity), can often feel: - neglected or overlooked at home and in school, especially if both children attend the same school - burdened with additional responsibilities because of their siblings needs or limitations - ashamed/embarrassed of their sibling - protective of their sibling - like they must act as an interpreter for their sibling - angry/resentful toward their sibling with a disability - angry/resentful toward their parent(s) Many of these emotions, arguably, come as a result of the sibling with the disability garnering much of the family’s attention, resources, and interest. They almost become like a sovereign figure within the family. And here we thought we did pretty well when the truth is, this time, we fell a little short. Our experience, education, and this particular experience has told us to make sure we assert ourselves equally with both children – in celebration and in conflict – in their endeavors. And even though one has a disability, any parent of more than one child should be prepared to do the same. Our kids have different needs, different motivators, and different preferences. Those qualities don’t change because one has a particular condition. Now the picture is not all bad for children who have siblings with disabilities. We also know that there are benefits associated with children having siblings with disabilities. These unique group of children have been found to be more empathic and sensitive, have a higher capacity for resilience, possess strong feelings of cohesion within their families, and to communicate great admiration for their siblings with disabilities. Who wouldn’t want to have kids with these qualities? The question for our family (and maybe your family, too) is: How are we fostering these qualities in both of our children? Your reactions and comments are always welcome. Peace, -mike
9 Comments
Renata
11/10/2012 02:26:51 am
As a sibling of a special needs child, I couldn't agree more with your article. It is spot on; especially the bullets of how siblings of special needs children tend to feel. It is fantastic that you've noticed this early on.
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Renata-
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Mark Austin
11/10/2012 11:18:42 am
Great insight.. yet again. I can only assume that it's theraputic to write about it... it certainly encourages others who may be dealing with similar emotions. I've never met a parent of a special needs child who felt they'd managed their own situation "right" - especially when other siblings were involved. We all remain dependant on the discernment of an all-wise God regardless of our perceived expertise. We dealt with those very issues in our household growing up.... and I've grown to appreciate my mother's wisdom more and more as I consider the challenges and resources of the day. Shalom...
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Michael Hannon
11/10/2012 12:02:40 pm
Wow, Uncle Mark. Your contribution here is really valuable. The truth is that parents who have special needs children and "typically developing" children have a different set of challenges than those raising children who do not have disabilities. So, yes,it is ABSOLUTELY therapeutic to not just write about it, but to talk about it, engage with our feelings about it, and acknowledge the colewort of the experience.
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Michael Hannon
11/10/2012 12:04:16 pm
Lol
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Michael Hannon
11/10/2012 12:05:50 pm
Again, I meant to say, a God able to *center* me
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11/13/2012 05:13:16 am
Mike,
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Chills-
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12/19/2012 12:54:21 am
Continue the good works BB, I know that you are gifted and your shared thoughts are blessings in disguise in the form of knowledge and information. Keep up the achievement my brother!
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AuthorI'm Mike. If you have an interest in mental health, family functioning, and disability advocacy, this blog may be of interest to you. Archives
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